Change
-posted by martin cavanaugh porter
It’s tough for me to change: I have lived an overly large, often self-hyped life, too full of myself, and too unforgiving of others. So change is tough.
But, I am changing-steps too small for some, obviously noticeable to others.
The collateral damage of my past: I have alienated some of the people I most love in my life, and they in turn now, do what people do when you hurt them enough-stay away, or worse, insult you, or whatever-which is all o.k.-I have to accept that my past is the long tail that is-that just exists.
Sometimes the best thing is just to stay away. Perhaps there was never much love in the first place-some people are just not supposed to have been family-so much blame and pain and shame-plenty to go around, actually-just loads of it from all sides.
All through this I have a son in Paris that I love and would like to find a way forward with and wonderful wife in L.A who has really been incredible, and our unborn daughter: Emilie. I have my work, my little company Forbes Legacy Ventures LLC and The South Park Development Group and my team-these two little companies step-by-step grow, held together by our unified desired to succeed
If success is measured by growth (in fits, with step-backs), and realizing projects, and customer satisfaction, and importantly the happiness of my team-then tiny Forbes is a success.
Three private, bright glittering gifts:
1. My son-just knowing he exists-and the knowledge that one day, soon or not so soon, we will connect-free will and the ties that bind cannot forever keep us apart-including my past-which is, my past. The love I have for him cannot be denied and that he is my son cannot be taken away from either of us. There are those who live their lives through the prism of hyper-control, controlling others-I used to-but their grasp cannot forever hold-the love of a father, despite his faults, and the love of a son will overcome all that. That’s my prayer. That’s what I think every day that I look at photos of him and write him blogs-which he may or may not be able to read.
2. My wife and Emilie and the chance of being the best that I can be-a second chance.
3. My business, which radiates intelligence, passion, vigor, and growth.
I think there is a song with this line: “We all shine on….”
In my sadness, I smile, in my guilt, lessened by the help of some good friends who are helping me through change-step by step-I try to shine through fear, and lift myself up-despite whatever comes my way.
Here’s the problem with” I’m sorry”: said too much, it means too little.
Here’s the problem with proof of change: It takes a long, long time for other’s to believe.
Here’s the problem with me: too much sorry, not enough change.
So, I have to shine, smile, glow, and glimmer for myself-to feel o.k, and for the team I lead, and for the wife and unborn daughter I love, and the son who, by God, I cherish-in spite of self-knowledge: I have caused great pain.
In my youth I was dragged into a desolation of pain and abuse-year in and year out, a loneliness that cannot ever be understood unless you have been through it.
Shine, smile, glow, and glimmer.
